I don't think I slept the night before this day. For a few reasons, one it was my mothers retirement breakfast in the morning, and then following that I would be headed to our appointment.
I remember staying up late working on cupcakes for the party and my sister saying "Ashley don't exhaust yourself, mom wouldn't want that, you have so much going on right now"
In my mind all I wanted to say was "Erica, I AM doing this to KEEP MY MIND OFF of what I CAN'T STOP thinking about." But I didn't.
I know that I was probably the worst person during this time to deal with for my family and friends and I feel bad looking back now because I know that I was taking my worry out on everyone around me, who had no idea what was going on.
On the drive to the Dr. I told Ryan that if I saw that our measurement was over 3.0 I would probably have a break down right there on the table. He assured me that all was going to be just fine. Like he always does. Sometimes it works, but it didn't today.
We made it to our visit and everyone was very nice. Everyone looks at you like they feel sad for you....because lets be honest, most woman in there aren't there because everything is peachy.
We got called back and they started the sonogram.
I of course asked questions which I know better to not do because the sonogram technician isn't able to tell you.....so the answers to my questions were "The doctor will be reviewing all of this and going over it with you"
The sonogram seemed to take forever to me. And I watched her like a hawk and noticed she typed in 3.2 several times. I looked at Ryan and surprisingly I held it together.
I found comfort in holding a cross necklace that my parents got me when I was 16. I carry it when I have stress because it has always calmed me, and today I held onto it with a death grip.
The sonogram tech left and shortly the Dr came in. He was very nice. He introduced himself and explained that usually when there is a high nuchal that usually is a red flag for something. He listed off the 5 most common syndromes.....only one of which I knew what it was which was Down Syndrome. Then I remember he said Turners syndrome which I asked about and asked what it was.....he made it seem like it wasn't a big deal! Which compared to other things maybe not but if we were having a girl the thought of one day telling her that she develops like a female because of medication and that she would never be able to have children was devastating to hear.
The Doctor I think knew by the look on my face that hearing what that syndrome meant was heart breaking and he said "I will sit here with you and Ryan all day and speak to you on each syndrome that it could possibly be........but all I will be doing is giving you more things to worry about while we wait for results if you decide to do further testing"
He was right, and I agreed. I did not want to know anymore. Ignorance is bliss, and for the first time in my life I agreed with that statement 110%!
He then explained that because Ryan and I have already conceived a child that has no birth defects or syndromes that having a high nuchal is a bit of a concern since we are so young. He compared us to an older woman coming in and her having this measurement would be a concern and he highly recommended that we do further testing.
The nurse that called had touched base on what the Dr may want us to do and mentioned a CVS.
He started explaining the CVS to us and that within 5 days we would know the results of the 5 chromosomes, and that within two weeks we should have results on all of the other chromosomes. W e will then possibly look into noonans syndrome but not to worry about that yet. The main focus was on the first 5 chromosomes.
He explained how the test would happen and that I would be awake. That the position had to be perfect for him to get a good sampling. His eyes would be the sonogram to detect where he was going, and that Ryan could stay in the room.
He asked if we needed time to decide. Ryan and I were both on the same page. I am not sure if I have said it before but I will say it again. I always thought that if ANYTHING ever came up in my pregnancy of there possibly being an issue that I would leave it in Gods hands. But when the Doctor explained to us that the most important thing right now is to figure out if there is a problem and how severe it may be.....and that it is a good thing to know so we are prepared with the correct team of Doctors......your ideas on what you will do quickly change. While my faith has not wavered at all during this process.......I wanted to be prepared, we wanted to be prepared.
So we decided to do the procedure.
I know it didn't take to long but it did feel like forever. He got a good sample which I was so thankful for. He told me that it would be 5 days and that if I didn't hear from them by 3:00 on the 5th day to call them.
He said I may have slight bleeding and cramping...that if it got bad to call them. I had to go back to work and had three sessions when I returned to town, I asked him if I should cancel them. He asked me if I lost the baby would I blame myself and think it was from working.....I told him No that if it was okay to work I would prefer to keep my mind busy. He said he asked that because he has some woman who lay still for days after and when and if they loose the baby they blamed themselves, and assured me that usually if a baby is lost that there was something wrong.
We drove home and were both pretty silent. I cried, not a lot. I was more numb than anything. I have never known waiting to feel like that in my entire life and we were only an hour into 5 days of waiting.
When we got home I went to my sessions. I felt fine, I had no cramping at all. The next day Ryan it was a Saturday and Ryan had things to do so it was just me and Mayson our son.
I could barely watch him play without getting chocked up. Thinking what if we don't have another baby who can play like him? What if we have a baby with something wrong and Mayson doesn't understand? My mind was playing some serious games one me.
So I loaded him and myself in the car and went to my parents. At that point I was cramping and knew that my parents would be a good distraction for him and myself. My mom was hanging Christmas lights and I sat outside focusing on my stomach hurting. Which scared me. Shortly after being there Ryan came and we went home where I rested. And waited some more.
There are so many Questions I wish I could have asked someone so I am going to answer them below.
1.) Did it hurt?
Not really. It was certainly uncomfortable....and when he said he had to test to see if he got a good sampling and may need to come back I prayed hard that he wouldn't have to do it again.
2.) Were you scared?
Uhhh hell yes. I was so scared that the hand my husband was holding was shaking and my legs were shaking.
3.) Did you think you were going to loose the baby?
I think every mom who is pregnant is fearful of this happening. Then to add that you are doing a procedure that does have a risk of miscarriage those fears are even bigger. So yes, I was scared.
4.) How did you feel after?
Awful. Not because of the procedure but because I was scared and the waiting game had started.
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