"Use This Baby For Your Glory"

Sonogram Appointment with high risk (3rd visit)

Ryan and I decided we would go alone to this visit and ask our nurse practitioner to join us. We were so glad when she could go so that we had another set of ears in with us in case anything was to go wrong. 

While the sonogram technician applied the warm gel to my stomach I frantically untangled a cross necklace I had carried and held to every single one of our appointments. I always un-knotted the chain while they were prepping to give us news or see the baby. 

It was almost like a compulsive thing I had to do. Ryan with out fail would hand me the box, I was open it.....un-knot the chain while awaiting whatever news they would give. I typically had it un-knotted before the exams would begin and would hold the cross in my hand after myself and Ryan kissed the cross. 

While doing so the technician rubbed the gel onto my belly and asked me what I was holding. Once I explained that it was a cross that my mother and father gave me when I was young and that I carry it with me because the chain broke during times or worry and anxious moments.

She then smiled and said well then I guess I can tell you what I just did to your belly. 

She explained that she takes the probe of the sonogram and made a cross on my belly without me knowing and prayed in her head “Lord, use this baby for your glory”

My eyes immediately watered! I told her thank you. It meant so much to me and I truly felt that God was showing us a sign. That no matter what was to come, he had her back, he had our back, and we were going to be just fine.

What was even crazier is that I just received the cross custom bracelet from Birchwood Bangles that I worked with the girls on creating for me to wear the day I give birth to Presley. Around the bracelet are light pink/peach toned stones with two beautiful gold crosses. I knew that I wanted this for the day she was born to close out the bracelet collection I started for her and would be able to tell her about the cross we carried to every appointment. 

No longer could that bracelet be for the birth! It had to be for this visit. The fact that she drew a cross on my round belly and shared that prayer with us when I wasn’t sure what bracelet I would choose for todays appointment if we got good news (and even at this point if we didn’t) that bracelet was meant for today! 

We got a little nervous because a lot of time was spent on her heart and mouth area. But the doctor came in and said ALL LOOKED GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! 

I was so happy. Everything about this appointment was wonderful. She looked wonderful. SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL and SHE WAS HEALTHY.

The doctor wanted to see us two possibly three more times, which this did not surprise me as our OBGYN mentioned him probably wanting to do so.

We have come this far to let something small go so he wanted to just keep checking to know that indeed all looked great with Presley.

We were then scheduled to come back and see her when I hit 32 weeks. 

Some things I have learned with all of this.

As weeks have been progressing with the pregnancy I have felt more compelled to tell our story out loud. I knew that eventually I would share this blog but I wanted other moms to know my story. I had lots of questions from friends who did not understand, which I did not mind at all.....just sometimes I did not have the answers. 

I often heard from people who heard it through the grapevine.....

“Oh don’t worry, so and so had the same thing and all came back fine”

When come to find out that so and so only had blood work. No high risk appointments, and no procedures done.

or

“Well you look like you are not growing like you were with Mayson, did they say thats normal? I am sure all will be fine I am sure all will work out”

Holy moly.......yes all pregnancies grow differently....dont we all know that by now? Some of us carry like we have two in there when there is only one....and sometimes babies are smaller. and I SURE DO hope all is fine.

Basically the reason I am writing this is because the truth is even when someone shares their story we sometimes do not have a filter. Those are things I know myself after going through this will always filter what I am saying. 

What if that mom hasn’t shared anything at all! And you are be bopping along your way after asking so many things that may leave her thinking “If they only knew.”

I may sound harsh with this blog post but that is by no means what I am trying to do. I am just saying that sometimes with situations rather than sharing a story you’ve heard about to avoid awkward silence isn’t always the best thing to do. 

Unless of course they are asking....there were several moms that I wanted to ask questions to if I would have known any that went through what we were going through. I thankfully found one mother....and her son is alive, healthy, and completely fine. I held onto that story for a lot of days and a lot of nights or worrying.

But I also know of other mothers who lost their babies while in the process of waiting. I am so thankful that despite all that is going on all is shaping out to be a healthy pregnancy. A tad stressful but I for the most part have felt great. 

What I have learned with all of this is when I speak to Moms about their growing bumps :) I filter my thoughts and mouth and ask things like.....

“How are you feeling!?”

“You look great!”

“Have you decided on room colors?”

“Any names yet!?”

Some have shared their excitement and some have offered complaints on how they feel and then quickly follow it with apologizing because “It isn’t anything as bad as what you have been through” and I follow up with them saying “We all have our days, and we all have our moments and battles. These are big things to you and don’t need to be compared.”

The last thing I wanted was to be treated differently....heck the last 20 weeks have been different lol. I don’t need anymore of that! I wanted to be able to be a listening ear to these pregnant mommies and try to help when I can....not not be told what they are going through because they heard what we have been going through. 

Normal feelings is what I wanted. And even though we were closer to that everyday it didn’t always feel like that while involving others...so somedays I was fearful of weeks to come and what if something came up. Were these people going to treat our situation not normal if something did come up?

See.....all over the place emotions and thoughts.

All emotions that I knew I wanted to share which and is why I am choosing to keep writing and keep sharing.

The Last Hurdle

Tomorrow - Our last “hurdle” or bump in the Road visit to high risk

It's silly really when I think about it....there are so many people who have living children who are sick, or have gotten bad news in earlier visits where we have gotten good....and I am sick for those people, I  pray for those people, and I worry for those people. But today, when I say it is silly I am meaning myself and the worrying I am allowing to take over on days before our appointments.

I have been thankful for the busy weekend that we have had, where I didn't have down time to think. I have been busy all day behind the computer catching up on work that needed some last minute things done.......but I am sick today. The worst morning sickness feeling I have ever had. And I am pretty sure I know why.

Drum roll please.......the damn waiting.

Even though I haven't cried today with worry, nor have I really spoken of tomorrow it is still chiming in the back of my mind. And that is why I said it is silly when I think about how even though it isn't on the front burner it is making me utterly sick. And that is silly.

I should be my trust in the fact that whatever happen tomorrow that is will possibly be a an easy fix once she is here or it make fix itself. But the waiting is killer.

I am 21 weeks and two days. By this point with Mayson I was feeling a lot more active movement.....which I would be lying if I said didn't worry me. Talked to both my Doctor and Nurse Practitioner who have told me it is normal sometimes with second pregnancies even though the norm is the mother feels them earlier and more because they know that feeling.

She must have known I was worrying because last night she gave some visible movement several times before I went to bed.....and instead of PURE joy of seeing that I am sighing a big breath of PURE relief.

I was also bigger with my first pregnancy by this point.

I do weekly baby bump photos with her whereas I did bi-weekly with Mayson. At the end of my pregnancy with Mayson I did weekly photos, but it is different this go round because we are sharing them with him so he can better understand her size and why she can't come "right now."

While this updating has been fun it has also made me realize I am not growing like I thought I would with her.

You hear from EVERYONE that you grow much faster with your second and I have answered over a handful of times "are you sure you are that far along" and while some would be joyous of not gaining a lot and not poking out BUT........with me I am just ready to make sure she is growing on track being that I am not growing like I always thought I would.

I know, I know.....I am placing worry on probably nothing. And trust me when I say I am thankful thus far to have received good news and I know how blessed we truly are.

Like I have said from the start no matter what the outcome is we know she will be perfect.

This waiting sure does bring the devil's worries though.

With all that being said we can't wait until tomorrow and to give an update!

20 week regular check up!

Usually at your 20 week visit you are getting a sonogram but with seeing high risk soon we will just be doing a check in and no sonogram.

I love coming to these appointments because I feel like I can unload on my regular obgyn. She and my nurse practitioner (who is our close friend) have been so amazing at lending a listening ear. Though these visits are very different than the visits we had during our pregnancy with Mayson, I still feel so comfortable with them.

Right now they review all that is sent from the high risk and basically follow the path that high risk as planed out for us. 

Our doctor told us to take a deep breath...we are closer to this being a part in our pregnancy where we can forget about this roller coaster ride and enjoy that she looks to be very very healthy and growing perfectly.

I am starting to come around to the idea of letting go of constantly worrying.

I will not lie though. I often wonder why this path is set for us. These are supposed to be all ups. But for some reasons we have been given lots of downs and are finally reaching our ups.

One “Up” is that we FINALLY picked a name for our baby girl! 

Presley Nicole Bahr.

I fell in love with Presley one day and shared it with Ryan, but for the life of the two of us we were unable to find a middle name we liked that flowed with it. 

Mayson and I met our friend Andi for lunch and she asked me “Well do we have a name yet, come on!” And I told her about Presley.

She immediately said jockingly “Presley Nicole” and I LOVED IT! I said “Oh my gosh I LOVE IT! Thats my sister’s middle name, and Ryan’s middle name” she laughed and said “And my middle name” and I replied “And Megan’s middle name” another close friend!

Both of my sisters and two of my close friends share the middle name Nicole.......signed sealed and delivered in my book! I called and told Ryan and we talked about it for a few days. Then in the kitchen one night he said he ran into some friends who were pregnant and I jokingly said to him “Well they probably picked my favorite name for their baby” and he said “You mean they have our babies name Presley Nicole” and he smiled and I of course got excited and said “REALLY!???? Are you sure you love it” and he said “Yea thats her name isn’t it” :) 

So that is how Presley Nicole Bahr came to be, and we can’t wait to meet her.  

Noonan Syndrome Waiting

The doctor told us at the last visit there would no reason we would not hear back from the noonans test by this point. So I called and was told they were checking into it because we should have heard something at this point. While waiting on this call back I was a nervous wreck. 

This seemed to be the last big chromosome issue that could pop up. I had to keep myself busy.  I was caught up on work, the house was clean....what else could I get into? Nothing, lol nothing but waiting.

And FINALLY we got the call. Oh how I wish telling this story were simple. From the start we were told if we heard the doctors voice when we got the call back thats when we need to worry. Well this time I called to check in on our results and the nurse who worked with the lab said that there was some special information on the lab reports and that it was given to someone else to look over. 

I immediately thought oh my god....this is it. This is what our baby has. EVERYTHING else may have taken some time to get but it was always cut and dry answers. Yes things look good, you are good to go. This.....this call didn’t feel like that at all. My mind went into the worse place it had been since this entire ordeal. 

I literally felt sick while I waited for her to find out why there were special notes. 

Finally she called back. She wasn’t sure why it was noted the way it was but EVERYTHING looked fine. Good god. Were they trying to cause me a heart attack.

I was relieved to call my husband and family back after being hysterical to all of them while I waited to tell them that all looked clear for Presley. 

This up and down roller coaster is not one any parent can possibly get used to.

Second Visit to High Risk Doctors

The day after my birthday, so of course this birthday was spent pretending to be excited when really I was just anxious for the next day. By this point several of our family members and close friends knew what was going on and were praying hard for this to be our last visit and end with wonderful news that all was perfect with her (still no name). I couldn’t wait to see her but was ready for them to count all fingers, all toes, see that both legs were growing, and both arms were growing. This sonogram was to determine if she did or did not have any physical birth defects. 

As we waited in the waiting room, it was a struggle. No one is there for a good reason. Several moms are crying. That is not easy. For this sonogram we took mayson with us with my mother so that he could see his baby. 

He professed that she “talked to him!” when her heart was beating. He loves her so much already. Shortly after hearing her heart my mom took him out as we had planed because I did not want him or her in the room with Ryan and I if they did find something to be wrong.

It was a very long sonogram. But it went well. We were so happy to hear of this. The doctor came in and explained that he is a very cautious doctor and would prefer to see us a little later in our pregnancy when her organs were larger to check and make sure those were progressing normally.

I was upset when hearing this because I wanted to be done. I told him that I really did like him and how he treated us as his patients but I was really ready to not have to see him anymore. 

He laughed, and understood. He explained this entire situation like running a hurdled marathon. We have crossed these hurdles and it is time to cross a few more to be safe.

Now we continue to wait on the noonans. He said that it was rare to have these good results and to have that come back positive but he has seen crazier things. For example a mother getting all good news back and on his last “lets be safe check up” he found issues with the baby.

I appreciated his honesty. When you are at an appointment like this and having waited through so many weeks, it is harsh but nice to know all of the odds.

Christmas Eve couldn't have gone better!

Best Christmas EVE EVER......Negative on all Chromosome Issues 

Come Christmas eve I was devastated that we had yet to hear from the Doctors. I had been so looking forward to enjoying Christmas Eve and Christmas with our families. Hopeful that the tests would come back fine. 

I decided to keep myself busy and I decided to do something fun to keep my mind occupied. I decided to look up fun facts about the baby’s weekly growth and compare it to a life object that Mayson would understand. So I sat down and created EVERY single week for our pregnancy. To some this may seem daunting. To me it was a place I could take my mind out of the horribly places I allowed it to travel. This weekly update NO MATTER what the news may be would show the growth of our baby girl. Who was going to be amazing no matter what news we got in weeks to come.

I was going to start with week 16, hopefully something would pop out in the belly area by then lol! 

God answered my prayers and at 4:45 (If I recall correctly) I got the call that all choromsomes looked great! SUCH A HUGE sigh of relief. It literally was the best Christmas Eve ever. 

But then shattering news. There was ONE last thing we were going to look into. The nurse told me to familiarize myself with it and think on how Ryan and I would handle it if it did come back positive.

AGAIN, I reminded her that we were keeping this sweet baby no matter what. And was saddened that we had yet another thing to wait on. But I was determined to not let it get me down. I was going to enjoy Christmas Eve and be thankful for the wonderful news we had gotten thus far.

Sharing with our families what was really going on...

The news is OUT! And now it was time to share the news of what we were waiting on.

We had a friend of ours watch our Son so that we could go and explain everything to our immediate families. I wasn’t sure how Ryan or I would hold up telling them so we didnt want Mayson to see us upset. But thankfully we both did really well! 

We explained as much as we knew, as good as we could to each of them. It went really well. I only broke down a couple of times! 

I was so happy that My mom knew. If there was anyone I could break down to other than Ryan it was her. But I could even tell her was nervous.

A part of me felt so terrible having to give them this news, scare the hell out of them....then bring them back to normal breathing level that the first five choromosomes were good........and then bring them back to worrying again that we were waiting on the rest of the choromsomes.

I was happy to have our families rallying around us....but felt terrible bringing them into the world of worrying that Ryan and I had been feeling for two weeks now.

We shared about our pregnancy on facebook and had an outpouring over excitement from all of our family and friends. I almost felt guilty not telling everyone what was going on...I wanted to, but I was still in no way shape or form to answer the questions I knew so many would have....when I really didn’t have any answers yet for myself. 

Our Over Due House Warming / Pregnancy Announcement Party

So while I was excited to have this party I was at the same time dreading it. When I was making the details of how we were revealing in the back of my mind all I could think of was we have so many other chromosome results we are waiting on. I was SICK to my stomach to think that the day after we share this amazing joyous news I will also be putting fear into our families mind and having them join us on this waiting game. 

The morning of the part I was hugging the toilet. Our friend came over to help and I continued to sneak into the bathroom to throw up. I hadn’t been sick at all this pregnancy. The only days I remember being sick were on stressful days, and the day of the party all I thought about was.......

1.) am I going to be able to fake it and be really excited like everyone else is going to be? 

2.) will I be able to tell our families without falling apart the next day?

Everything came together just in time. Below are some images of the get together and how we revealed that we were pregnant and having a baby girl. I did allow myself and my mind to relax and enjoy the excitement in everyones face. But as I reflect and type this I still have the same knot in my throat like I am going to have to tell them again. 

My sister quizzed my friend on why I could know so soon the sex of the baby and was something wrong. Thankfully she is good at lying and said the tech was really good. 

Five Days Of Waiting....plus 1.

The Monday after the testing I was holding up pretty good.

I did have some cramping that scared me on Monday. I called and mentioned it to my friend who was amazing and had me come in. (Monday December 15th)

She had the Doctor in the office do a scan after us not being able to hear the heart beat via doppler. Which didn't freak me out because she had warned me that we may not hear the heart beat this early.

But we heard it, saw the baby moving, and everything looked just fine when he did the sonogram. I was so relieved and thankful.

I think my heart grew in that very instant. It had been four days and the high risk dr said if we were going to loose the baby, it would likely happen a few days after and all looked good.

Thank GOD.

That helped the waiting a little better. The Doctor told us that we may hear something on Tuesday, which is when he told me to call if I hadn't heard from them......soooo I was counting down the days and hours until 3:00. Each day that passed I felt worse. Your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy and I found that to be more true than ever.

I am so thankful I had Ryan and our friend to talk to me. I had melt downs to both of them, but also surprised myself at how well I put on a happy face for those around me.

On Tuesday December 16th 3:00 came and went.  I called like they told me to do and to my utter shear fear they said they didn't have the results. She said she would call the lab and see if they could tell her over the phone.

I lost it. I was hysterical. I waited five days for these results and they didn't know yet! Ryan called, to see if they had gotten anywhere and left a message.

She called back and said we had to wait another day.

I didn't sleep at all the night before waiting, there was no way I would be sleeping tonight waiting again.

That night around 1:00 am I still wasn't sleeping. I had to wake Ryan up because I was so worked up and couldn't be up by myself anymore. I asked him to pray with me.

He put his hands on my stomach and prayed. I don't remember everything he said but I remember for the first time since we had the 12 week visit and this all started happening that I felt complete peace. I actually though to myself while he was praying "wow, I have never in my life heard Ryan pray like this" it was amazing. And I rolled over and went to sleep.

The next day I asked him to pray again while we were waiting to hear and while it was still great to hear him it was nothing like the night before. And I brought up the night before. He had no idea what I was talking about. He knew I had woken him up but didn't remember praying at all. I truly believe with all of my heart that God was speaking through Ryan to calm me down. I knew right then that my prayers were being answered and that no matter the outcome we were going to be okay.

The day of waiting was long. It was hard to think of anything but the phone call. I prayed to her the nurses voice when the call came because the Dr. told us that if it wasn't good results he would call us. So all day when I answered my phone I dreaded hearing a mans voice.

And finally we got the call.

And it was her.

I was so relieved already.

At this point several people would be excited because we were also finding out the sex of the baby. At that point I didn't care I just wanted good news!

And she said that we were all clear of the first five! I started crying.........I was so happy and could breath a little easier. I knew that our road wasn't over yet, because she explained we still had to wait for the other chromosomes but that the first most common we tested negative for.

I was so happy. I couldn't wait to get off the phone and call Ryan. I totally forgot that we could find out what we were having.

Right before we hung up she asked me if I would like to know. I couldn't believe I had forgotten that part!!!!

It was a GIRL!!!!

I would be lying if I said that I was overjoyed....because really I was just overjoyed to get off the phone and call Ryan that it hadn't truly sunk in that we were having a girl. We had always thought we were going to have boys.

When I called Ryan he was so excited that the news came back and so far we were good. I think asked him "well what do you think we are having" and he said "I have said a girl" and I told him "Well you were right" and I was crying. With excitement that even thought we were excited about it being a girl we were excited more for the fact that the start of this scary journey ended with good news.

Now more waiting. And preparing for our house party.

We had decided that if the news wasn't good we would be telling our family and friends before the house warming party. But if this first round came back good we would let them have the excitement of finding out we were pregnant, and having a girl....and the next day go visit everyone and explain what we were going through and the waiting that we still had.

I got busy making plans of picking up pink balloons and focusing on being excited to share this news vs. worrying about the weeks to come.

This baby no matter what was going to be celebrated, even if we hadn't received good news today.

She is a gift.

Our first visit to the High Risk Doctors.

I don't think I slept the night before this day. For a few reasons, one it was my mothers retirement breakfast in the morning, and then following that I would be headed to our appointment.

I remember staying up late working on cupcakes for the party and my sister saying "Ashley don't exhaust yourself, mom wouldn't want that, you have so much going on right now"

In my mind all I wanted to say was "Erica, I AM doing this to KEEP MY MIND OFF of what I CAN'T STOP thinking about." But I didn't.

I know that I was probably the worst person during this time to deal with for my family and friends and I feel bad looking back now because I know that I was taking my worry out on everyone around me, who had no idea what was going on.

On the drive to the Dr. I told Ryan that if I saw that our measurement was over 3.0 I would probably have a break down right there on the table. He assured me that all was going to be just fine. Like he always does. Sometimes it works, but it didn't today.

We made it to our visit and everyone was very nice. Everyone looks at you like they feel sad for you....because lets be honest, most woman in there aren't there because everything is peachy.

We got called back and they started the sonogram.

I of course asked questions which I know better to not do because the sonogram technician isn't able to tell you.....so the answers to my questions were "The doctor will be reviewing all of this and going over it with you"

The sonogram seemed to take forever to me. And I watched her like a hawk and noticed she typed in 3.2 several times. I looked at Ryan and surprisingly I held it together.

I found comfort in holding a cross necklace that my parents got me when I was 16. I carry it when I have stress because it has always calmed me, and today I held onto it with a death grip.

The sonogram tech left and shortly the Dr came in. He was very nice. He introduced himself and explained that usually when there is a high nuchal that usually is a red flag for something. He listed off the 5 most common syndromes.....only one of which I knew what it was which was Down Syndrome. Then I remember he said Turners syndrome which I asked about and asked what it was.....he made it seem like it wasn't a big deal! Which compared to other things maybe not but if we were having a girl the thought of one day telling her that she develops like a female because of medication and that she would never be able to have children was devastating to hear.

The Doctor I think knew by the look on my face that hearing what that syndrome meant was heart breaking and he said "I will sit here with you and Ryan all day and speak to you on each syndrome that  it could possibly be........but all I will be doing is giving you more things to worry about while we wait for results if you decide to do further testing"

He was right, and I agreed. I did not want to know anymore. Ignorance is bliss, and for the first time in my life I agreed with that statement 110%!

He then explained that because Ryan and I have already conceived a child that has no birth defects or syndromes that having a high nuchal is a bit of a concern since we are so young. He compared us to an older woman coming in and her having this measurement would be a concern and he highly recommended that we do further testing.

The nurse that called had touched base on what the Dr may want us to do and mentioned a CVS.

He started explaining the CVS to us and that within 5 days we would know the results of the 5 chromosomes, and that within two weeks we should have results on all of the other chromosomes. W  e will then possibly look into noonans syndrome but not to worry about that yet. The main focus was on the first 5 chromosomes.

He explained how the test would happen and that I would be awake. That the position had to be perfect for him to get a good sampling. His eyes would be the sonogram to detect where he was going, and that Ryan could stay in the room.

He asked if we needed time to decide. Ryan and I were both on the same page. I am not sure if I have said it before but I will say it again. I always thought that if ANYTHING ever came up in my pregnancy of there possibly being an issue that I would leave it in Gods hands. But when the Doctor explained to us that the most important thing right now is to figure out if there is a problem and how severe it may be.....and that it is a good thing to know so we are prepared with the correct team of Doctors......your ideas on what you will do quickly change. While my faith has not wavered at all during this process.......I wanted to be prepared, we wanted to be prepared.

So we decided to do the procedure.

I know it didn't take to long but it did feel like forever. He got a good sample which I was so thankful for. He told me that it would be 5 days and that if I didn't hear from them by 3:00 on the 5th day to call them.

He said I may have slight bleeding and cramping...that if it got bad to call them. I had to go back to work and had three sessions when I returned to town, I asked him if I should cancel them. He asked me if I lost the baby would I blame myself and think it was from working.....I told him No that if it was okay to work I would prefer to keep my mind busy. He said he asked that because he has some woman who lay still for days after and when and if they loose the baby they blamed themselves, and assured me that usually if a baby is lost that there was something wrong.

We drove home and were both pretty silent. I cried, not a lot. I was more numb than anything. I have never known waiting to feel like that in my entire life and we were only an hour into 5 days of waiting.

When we got home I went to my sessions. I felt fine, I had no cramping at all. The next day Ryan it was a Saturday and Ryan had things to do so it was just me and Mayson our son.

I could barely watch him play without getting chocked up. Thinking what if we don't have another baby who can play like him? What if we have a baby with something wrong and Mayson doesn't understand? My mind was playing some serious games one me.

So I loaded him and myself in the car and went to my parents. At that point I was cramping and knew that my parents would be a good distraction for him and myself. My mom was hanging Christmas lights and I sat outside focusing on my stomach hurting. Which scared me. Shortly after being there Ryan came and we went home where I rested. And waited some more.

There are so many Questions I wish I could have asked someone so I am going to answer them below.

1.) Did it hurt?

           Not really. It was certainly uncomfortable....and when he said he had to test to see if he got a good sampling and may need to come back I prayed hard that he wouldn't have to do it again.

2.) Were you scared?

           Uhhh hell yes. I was so scared that the hand my husband was holding was shaking and my legs were shaking.

3.) Did you think you were going to loose the baby?

           I think every mom who is pregnant is fearful of this happening. Then to add that you are doing a procedure that does have a risk of miscarriage those fears are even bigger. So yes, I was scared.

4.) How did you feel after?

           Awful. Not because of the procedure but because I was scared and the waiting game had started.

The waiting and the call from the High Risk Doctor

It felt like it took FOREVER to hear from them. I called the next day at 4:00 after not hearing just to hear that the team of Doctors are still reviewing and they would call tomorrow to schedule me for a visit.

The next day I got the call. (December 11th)

It was a woman nurse......I sat down in the office with a pen and a piece of paper. She introduced herself and asked me to explain what I know.

"I know that we are pregnant, that we are 12 weeks and a few days....that the sonogram we had showed a high nucal measurement of 2.9"

she stopped me and said

"Actually a 3.0”

I continued with...

"That this could mean our baby may have down syndrome or another syndrome......and that we need to come to you all for possible further testing and that I would be hearing from you on our next step"

She explained that that is correct, and literally no even a few minutes into our conversation said

"Have you and your husband discussed your plans on what you will be doing if something is wrong with the baby."

Let me pause this story right here. Before I go any further......I do not and will not judge someone for the choices they have made. I know that every persons situation is different. I can only hope that they made the right decision for themselves if ever faced with something like this. I pray that they had piece in the choice that they made. My choice along with my husbands was that no matter what we would keep the baby. I didn't need to call him, I knew that.

I quickly asked her "Why do you know something more than you are sharing?" she said No, that it is a common question they ask and that as the stage of pregnancy we needed to discuss that. And I think explained that we would be keeping the baby no matter the outcome.

She explained that we would come to our appointment......tomorrow. The sooner the better. That at this appointment they would do a sonogram on their machines which show a lot more to remeasure. That we may get lucky and it could be normal and we will be on our way.....but if it isn't the doctor may encourage further testing.

I had my mothers retirement party the same morning as our appointment. I was in charge of doing somethings for it and had plenty of time to get them done because at this point I was not sleeping well.....obviously. 

I was so frustrated.....I wanted to enjoy my moms retirement party. She worked SO HARD for SO LONG......I guess I was good at faking it because she had no idea that anything was wrong. A part of me wanted to tell her so bad. I tell her everything. And I wanted so desperately to call a few friends who I knew would be great listeners, but that the same time I was so THANKFUL that no one knew we were expecting. 

Because if they knew.....the worst worrying feeling would not just be shared by Ryan and myself. And for that I was thankful. 

12 week checkup....Alone = Worse Idea Ever.

Once speaking with the Dr's office they said that we very well could find out the sex of the baby shortly before our party if we came in for another visit I decided I would go to this appointment alone......Ryan was busy at work and I wanted him with me when we would know what we were having vs. coming with me for the 12 week checkup and sonogram. We have had the 12 week sonogram with Mayson I knew we would likely not know the sex of the baby. I mean it is pretty much unheard of to know that soon and it really be the correct sex at just 12 weeks.

I really wasn't nervous at all......until the day of. I kind of got a bit of a funny feeling and I pushed it aside as I quickly grabbed the tape recorder, I knew I wanted to film especially since Ryan wasn't with me. I didn't want to see our baby and not have him share in the moment even though it would be that evening.

I also knew that my friend was working that day and that she would likely be able to pop into the sonogram, and if she couldn't I would see her after anyway.

I got there, signed in, and excitedly waited my turn :)

The same ultrasound technician who did our last visit and all of Mayson's sonograms was doing the sonogram today.

As she did her measurements and photos of the baby I recorded. I noticed that she was spending a lot of time behind the babies neck. I also know that this is the sonogram where they screen for down syndrome.

I really wasn't concerned and just believed her when she said to move around, change my laying position.....just so she could get a better look.

It only took me a few minutes to realize that it was time to turn the camera off.........and I literally felt like the room was echoing my heart beat and that time was going by so slowly.

This sonogram was taking a long time. I finally asked her....

"Is something wrong?"

She didn't exactly go into detail but she also didn't leave me hanging in the dark. For that I am appreciative. She explained that about a year ago the concern would arise if a babies nuchal measurement was a 3.5 and that recently is changed to a 3.0 and that she was measuring me at a 2.9

Apparently now being close to the 3.0 is a red flag.

I surprisingly remained calm. She wanted to take several more pictures and wanted to speak with the Doctor on what the next step was.

I got dressed and waited, seriously what felt like FOREVER to speak to someone.

Thankfully I kept it in the road. At this point I think I did because I knew that a lot of information was probably going to be talked about and I wanted to soak it all in and be able to tell Ryan.

Once the Doctor came in we spoke about what this could mean........the positives and the negatives.

-Commonly a high nuchal is a red flag for down syndrome.

-We would not be running blood work because that could show a false positive, and no need to add more stress

-The positive thing to focus on is that Ryan and I have already conceived a healthy baby and that a syndrome is caused by chromosome issues.

-We are young 

-We would be seeing a specialist to speak further about this and our options and they would call tomorrow.

Can’t they call us today????????!!!!!!

I didn't cry, I did really well. Even my friend who knows me very well was surprised at how well I was keeping it in the road. 

I got in the car and I called Ryan. I explained to him what was going on and that we would wait to hear what the next step would be.

Our images were being sent to the high risk and their team of doctors would review the images of our baby.

But as of now.....we wait.

9 Week Check up - June Baby

We are indeed Pregnant :) We went to our first visit where they do a sonogram and we saw our little person. Ryan was able to go with me and it seemed so familiar.....the same excitement and nervous feeling we had when we went in for our checkup with our first pregnancy. 

This time was a tad different because no one except the two of us and our friend who is my Nurse Practitioner knew we were pregnant. We found out that our due date is June 20th :) I was a tad bit off on the surprise video for Ryan but thats okay!

As soon as I got home I hid the sonogram photos so that no one would find them.....little did I know my son would ran sack that drawer, he is a smart little cookie and said 

"Mommy, look!!!!! It's me from when I was in your belly"

It has been months since we showed him his sonogram photo so I was shocked he remembered :) BUT I responded with.....

"Yes it sure is!!!!!!"

We found out at this visit that we may also know the sex of the baby a little bit before Christmas.

We decided then and there that we were going to keep it a secret and reveal the big news at our House Warming / Christmas Party.....that way all of our closest friends and family would be with us to celebrate and we would get to see their faces when sharing the exciting news of being pregnant & the sex of our newest Baby Bahr!

We're Pregnant!

Ryan and I, once we had Mayson had said we would start trying for baby number 2 after his first birthday.

Well that turned into "we will start trying probably when he turns two"

Then that turned into "we really just aren't sure when we want to try"

The truth was, we had NO idea when the right time would be. We heard everyone tell us that it was normal to be unsure when the right time was, and the only answer is there is never a perfect time. 

We were enjoying every bit of being a family of three and finally decided we were ready. We were aware that it may be a little harder this go round just because I was not regular. After years of waiting to try I was not excited to hear that news. 

We decided to try a few months on our own and if we were unsuccessful we would go on birth control for a few months, then come off hoping to at that point be on a regular cycle.

Thankfully we got pregnant on the third month of trying. 

I knew I was pregnant, I just had a feeling. I wasn't sick, didn't feel different honestly....

I just knew I was pregnant.

I took two tests on Ryan's birthday, both said negative. I cried........cried like a baby. For a few reasons......that meant we were starting birth control in attempt to regulate me......it also meant that I was wrong in my excitement.....and what on earth was I going to get Ryan that could compare to an exciting pregnancy announcement.

We had a wedding to go to that Saturday and I was excited to enjoy the evening with my husband. While Ryan got Mays ready to go to his moms I decided I would take ONE more test....JUST to be sure.

I quickly hid from Ryan because I knew that if Ryan knew he would say "Babe your just going to waist another test and be disappointed" BUT I wanted to just make double sure that I was not.

AND IT READ POSITIVE!!!!!!!  

I was thrilled. Just two days prior I was so sad and now I needed to compose myself and enjoy the evening and hold in my little secret until I got Ryan's "Late birthday" gift ready for Monday. Which would not be easy, I had to keep silent about it all day Sunday and spent every hour that he was at work that Monday making his surprise. It was WORTH it!

After working all day I told him I needed him to play this DVD and watch it for me.....little did he know what the ending entailed. 

Enjoy!