Holding onto this moment, Forever.

Tonight while working in the studio on my growing editing list, my husband walked Mayson out to give me a kiss goodnight.

As I scooped up my boy into my lap I realized a few things....

1.) Wow, these days of me scooping you up are numbered. You is getting so big.

2.) How on Earth did my little swaddled 8 pound 6 ounce boy fill my lab so quickly?

3.) Conversing with you changes daily....into conversations that I would have never imagined a almost 4 year old having. You are so special and so smart.

My heart broke a little bit. I felt like time stopped in that moment. He wanted to play hide and seek, so that when Ryan came back to get him he would be hiding under my desk.

While he was hiding I felt like I had a fast forward version of the time I have gotten to have with him. Sort of gawking at how much he had grown......like it happened over night. (I am pretty sure if someone had been watching my I would have had that mouth wide open shocked look on my face lol)

He has and is turning into such a sweet little boy. I called him "my baby" and he said "I'm not your baby, Presley is your baby Mommy!" and giggled.

Sweet boy of mine.....you will always be my first baby, Always.

And even if I can't hold you in my lap, my heart and these special moments I will hold onto forever.

My hope is that these ever escaping days will be less heartbreaking as I watch both of my babies grow. I am happy to see them grow but have a since of sadness to know that the baby stage will be gone so quickly.

It is sort of like home to me....this sweet stage. I hope I remember it, forever.

We will be Marching...

In 2006 early early early in the morning I drove to help a very close friend with a cause she felt very strongly about....March of Dimes. When I look back on that Day I remember it very clearly but I can honestly say I had NO IDEA what these Parents and Children had been through. 

I knew what March of Dimes was....I knew I was there to volunteer and I knew it was important to my friend. I actually signed in several families and teams the day of the walk. NEVER realizing that one day this even would be for people like us, and for children like Presley.

When I got wheeled in to see Presley for the very firs time. The very first time I would be seeing my sweet baby girl I was noticed a sign on the desk for "March of Dimes" I instantly got taken back to the walk and thought "wow, never did I think this would be us."

Presley was born the week of the March of Dimes walk. Some of the Nurses in the NICU were gearing up for the March of Dimes Walk. I actually remember one of our nurses who we didn't "know" yet came in with her walking gear on and I thought to myself......"Wow. She really loves these babies" and not just HER babies in THIS NICU.

I am looking forward to having a team this year and walking for our Sweet Girl Presley and her being with us for the walk. 

Every day, thousands of babies are born too soon, too small and often very sick. We are walking in March for Babies because I want to do something about this and I need YOUR help. We will be walking for our sweet baby, the the babies we met in the NICU, and for the sweet babies who are no longer with us. 

Please consider Joining/Donating to our Team!

www.marchforbabies.org/PresleyNicoleB

Photography by Ashley B

...For the Love of CLICK...

I would say that my job spoke to me when I was a child. Sounds silly but I remember my mom taking out her camera and taking pictures, hand developing, and getting to see her work. I remember being obsessed with the sound the camera made when you used the lever to pull the film back....I even loved the containers that my moms film came in. It amazed her to see her work on our walls, and to hear of how she used to set up at art shows. My mom was so good at it. And I wanted to be too.

I got my first camera with money I received from graduating with my two year business degree with a specialization in marketing. I at the time had a small boutique in town, was going to school four days of the week, and using my friends camera when I took pictures of people. So when graduation came instead of being smart and saving I bought my very first digital dslr camera. 

(Thank you to those out there who contributed and didn't even know it) 

I hit the ground running. Photographing who I could, when I could, and for free. I built my portfolio and slowly started taking paid jobs after a year. I really loved it and looking back now I am so thankful to my clients who must have really loved me to stick with me through the learning process of it all :)

I stayed home with the baby and photographed families. I went back to work for a while because I felt like I needed to be doing more. But today I am happy to say that I have babied this business and built it from the ground up and am a little over one year of working for myself as a full time photographer.

I am constantly learning and oh so lucky to have such amazing support from friends, family, and even other local photographers.

I love what you are able to do for families with pictures. Not just during their session, not just during the editing, or even when they get their pictures. It is so much more than that. 

If I have learned anything over the last few months experiences is that my images can truly tell a story. 

I have found my dream job, and while it takes up a lot of time and a lot of sleepless red eyed nights....telling any story through an image sounds like a kick ass job to me.

"Use This Baby For Your Glory"

Sonogram Appointment with high risk (3rd visit)

Ryan and I decided we would go alone to this visit and ask our nurse practitioner to join us. We were so glad when she could go so that we had another set of ears in with us in case anything was to go wrong. 

While the sonogram technician applied the warm gel to my stomach I frantically untangled a cross necklace I had carried and held to every single one of our appointments. I always un-knotted the chain while they were prepping to give us news or see the baby. 

It was almost like a compulsive thing I had to do. Ryan with out fail would hand me the box, I was open it.....un-knot the chain while awaiting whatever news they would give. I typically had it un-knotted before the exams would begin and would hold the cross in my hand after myself and Ryan kissed the cross. 

While doing so the technician rubbed the gel onto my belly and asked me what I was holding. Once I explained that it was a cross that my mother and father gave me when I was young and that I carry it with me because the chain broke during times or worry and anxious moments.

She then smiled and said well then I guess I can tell you what I just did to your belly. 

She explained that she takes the probe of the sonogram and made a cross on my belly without me knowing and prayed in her head “Lord, use this baby for your glory”

My eyes immediately watered! I told her thank you. It meant so much to me and I truly felt that God was showing us a sign. That no matter what was to come, he had her back, he had our back, and we were going to be just fine.

What was even crazier is that I just received the cross custom bracelet from Birchwood Bangles that I worked with the girls on creating for me to wear the day I give birth to Presley. Around the bracelet are light pink/peach toned stones with two beautiful gold crosses. I knew that I wanted this for the day she was born to close out the bracelet collection I started for her and would be able to tell her about the cross we carried to every appointment. 

No longer could that bracelet be for the birth! It had to be for this visit. The fact that she drew a cross on my round belly and shared that prayer with us when I wasn’t sure what bracelet I would choose for todays appointment if we got good news (and even at this point if we didn’t) that bracelet was meant for today! 

We got a little nervous because a lot of time was spent on her heart and mouth area. But the doctor came in and said ALL LOOKED GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! 

I was so happy. Everything about this appointment was wonderful. She looked wonderful. SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL and SHE WAS HEALTHY.

The doctor wanted to see us two possibly three more times, which this did not surprise me as our OBGYN mentioned him probably wanting to do so.

We have come this far to let something small go so he wanted to just keep checking to know that indeed all looked great with Presley.

We were then scheduled to come back and see her when I hit 32 weeks. 

Some things I have learned with all of this.

As weeks have been progressing with the pregnancy I have felt more compelled to tell our story out loud. I knew that eventually I would share this blog but I wanted other moms to know my story. I had lots of questions from friends who did not understand, which I did not mind at all.....just sometimes I did not have the answers. 

I often heard from people who heard it through the grapevine.....

“Oh don’t worry, so and so had the same thing and all came back fine”

When come to find out that so and so only had blood work. No high risk appointments, and no procedures done.

or

“Well you look like you are not growing like you were with Mayson, did they say thats normal? I am sure all will be fine I am sure all will work out”

Holy moly.......yes all pregnancies grow differently....dont we all know that by now? Some of us carry like we have two in there when there is only one....and sometimes babies are smaller. and I SURE DO hope all is fine.

Basically the reason I am writing this is because the truth is even when someone shares their story we sometimes do not have a filter. Those are things I know myself after going through this will always filter what I am saying. 

What if that mom hasn’t shared anything at all! And you are be bopping along your way after asking so many things that may leave her thinking “If they only knew.”

I may sound harsh with this blog post but that is by no means what I am trying to do. I am just saying that sometimes with situations rather than sharing a story you’ve heard about to avoid awkward silence isn’t always the best thing to do. 

Unless of course they are asking....there were several moms that I wanted to ask questions to if I would have known any that went through what we were going through. I thankfully found one mother....and her son is alive, healthy, and completely fine. I held onto that story for a lot of days and a lot of nights or worrying.

But I also know of other mothers who lost their babies while in the process of waiting. I am so thankful that despite all that is going on all is shaping out to be a healthy pregnancy. A tad stressful but I for the most part have felt great. 

What I have learned with all of this is when I speak to Moms about their growing bumps :) I filter my thoughts and mouth and ask things like.....

“How are you feeling!?”

“You look great!”

“Have you decided on room colors?”

“Any names yet!?”

Some have shared their excitement and some have offered complaints on how they feel and then quickly follow it with apologizing because “It isn’t anything as bad as what you have been through” and I follow up with them saying “We all have our days, and we all have our moments and battles. These are big things to you and don’t need to be compared.”

The last thing I wanted was to be treated differently....heck the last 20 weeks have been different lol. I don’t need anymore of that! I wanted to be able to be a listening ear to these pregnant mommies and try to help when I can....not not be told what they are going through because they heard what we have been going through. 

Normal feelings is what I wanted. And even though we were closer to that everyday it didn’t always feel like that while involving others...so somedays I was fearful of weeks to come and what if something came up. Were these people going to treat our situation not normal if something did come up?

See.....all over the place emotions and thoughts.

All emotions that I knew I wanted to share which and is why I am choosing to keep writing and keep sharing.

The Last Hurdle

Tomorrow - Our last “hurdle” or bump in the Road visit to high risk

It's silly really when I think about it....there are so many people who have living children who are sick, or have gotten bad news in earlier visits where we have gotten good....and I am sick for those people, I  pray for those people, and I worry for those people. But today, when I say it is silly I am meaning myself and the worrying I am allowing to take over on days before our appointments.

I have been thankful for the busy weekend that we have had, where I didn't have down time to think. I have been busy all day behind the computer catching up on work that needed some last minute things done.......but I am sick today. The worst morning sickness feeling I have ever had. And I am pretty sure I know why.

Drum roll please.......the damn waiting.

Even though I haven't cried today with worry, nor have I really spoken of tomorrow it is still chiming in the back of my mind. And that is why I said it is silly when I think about how even though it isn't on the front burner it is making me utterly sick. And that is silly.

I should be my trust in the fact that whatever happen tomorrow that is will possibly be a an easy fix once she is here or it make fix itself. But the waiting is killer.

I am 21 weeks and two days. By this point with Mayson I was feeling a lot more active movement.....which I would be lying if I said didn't worry me. Talked to both my Doctor and Nurse Practitioner who have told me it is normal sometimes with second pregnancies even though the norm is the mother feels them earlier and more because they know that feeling.

She must have known I was worrying because last night she gave some visible movement several times before I went to bed.....and instead of PURE joy of seeing that I am sighing a big breath of PURE relief.

I was also bigger with my first pregnancy by this point.

I do weekly baby bump photos with her whereas I did bi-weekly with Mayson. At the end of my pregnancy with Mayson I did weekly photos, but it is different this go round because we are sharing them with him so he can better understand her size and why she can't come "right now."

While this updating has been fun it has also made me realize I am not growing like I thought I would with her.

You hear from EVERYONE that you grow much faster with your second and I have answered over a handful of times "are you sure you are that far along" and while some would be joyous of not gaining a lot and not poking out BUT........with me I am just ready to make sure she is growing on track being that I am not growing like I always thought I would.

I know, I know.....I am placing worry on probably nothing. And trust me when I say I am thankful thus far to have received good news and I know how blessed we truly are.

Like I have said from the start no matter what the outcome is we know she will be perfect.

This waiting sure does bring the devil's worries though.

With all that being said we can't wait until tomorrow and to give an update!

20 week regular check up!

Usually at your 20 week visit you are getting a sonogram but with seeing high risk soon we will just be doing a check in and no sonogram.

I love coming to these appointments because I feel like I can unload on my regular obgyn. She and my nurse practitioner (who is our close friend) have been so amazing at lending a listening ear. Though these visits are very different than the visits we had during our pregnancy with Mayson, I still feel so comfortable with them.

Right now they review all that is sent from the high risk and basically follow the path that high risk as planed out for us. 

Our doctor told us to take a deep breath...we are closer to this being a part in our pregnancy where we can forget about this roller coaster ride and enjoy that she looks to be very very healthy and growing perfectly.

I am starting to come around to the idea of letting go of constantly worrying.

I will not lie though. I often wonder why this path is set for us. These are supposed to be all ups. But for some reasons we have been given lots of downs and are finally reaching our ups.

One “Up” is that we FINALLY picked a name for our baby girl! 

Presley Nicole Bahr.

I fell in love with Presley one day and shared it with Ryan, but for the life of the two of us we were unable to find a middle name we liked that flowed with it. 

Mayson and I met our friend Andi for lunch and she asked me “Well do we have a name yet, come on!” And I told her about Presley.

She immediately said jockingly “Presley Nicole” and I LOVED IT! I said “Oh my gosh I LOVE IT! Thats my sister’s middle name, and Ryan’s middle name” she laughed and said “And my middle name” and I replied “And Megan’s middle name” another close friend!

Both of my sisters and two of my close friends share the middle name Nicole.......signed sealed and delivered in my book! I called and told Ryan and we talked about it for a few days. Then in the kitchen one night he said he ran into some friends who were pregnant and I jokingly said to him “Well they probably picked my favorite name for their baby” and he said “You mean they have our babies name Presley Nicole” and he smiled and I of course got excited and said “REALLY!???? Are you sure you love it” and he said “Yea thats her name isn’t it” :) 

So that is how Presley Nicole Bahr came to be, and we can’t wait to meet her.